Goodbye 2012

It's the last hours of 2012. and I can't wait to start 2013. 

2013 HAS to be a better year.

It's so quiet in my house right now. The kids are in bed, hopefully drifting off to sleep. Ted's already passed out in bed with the dogs and here I am sitting in the kitchen staring at crafts me and Emma made today. I had maybe 2 hours of sleep last night. SO why am I still up?!
It makes me feel like a bad mom, looking back on this year. I have been so depressed with all the things happening around me, I'm taking it out on myself and the kids. I don't want to be that mean mom, but then I don't want to be the mom who lets her kids run wild everywhere we go. I want them to learn manners and how to act.
I don't know what has gotten into the kids here lately, but I'm hoping it was just the hype of Christmas. They have been AWFUL. Love them to pieces but I can only take so much before I feel exhausted. I'm always exhausted anymore. From working 3 days in the library at school, to adding on workouts in the mornings and then TRYING to get motivated when I am home to clean and keep it all nice and stuff for when Ted comes home and then the kids fight/scream, hit, run...I'm one emotionally beat up momma.  I wish I could be like these other "super moms" that are all skinny and have perfect acting kids who read books already at a young age and don't run circles around them everywhere they go.

Motherhood is not for everyone. I have had my days where I just look up and ask, Really? Am I really cut out for this? Are you sure you didn't make a mistake? Because I feel like a COMPLETE failure.
I have ONE friend that I can text/talk to about anything and I know she not judging me because she feels same with me. I'm thankful for her because without her, idk sometimes.

So if anyone is reading this, please don't judge me or any other mom you see in Walmart who is looking like she wants to pull her hair out. Don't judge when our kids are running up and down the aisle and almost getting smacked with lil ole grandmas buggy. They have to learn on there own. Its truly exhausting, trying to constantly yell at them to stop doing something.

In 2013, I have a lot of changes I want to make in my life. I'm not counting on being perfect by the end of the year, but I hope to be an even better mom by then and I wish this for all my fellow moms in the world.

Happy New Year everyone

It's Finally Over!

Christmas is Finally Over!! I have been waiting for it to be over since Halloween.  I dreaded the Holidays this year. They are just not the same anymore. I've come to conclusion, that I just do not like change. A lot of people won't ever confess that because it makes them look "imperfect" but I don't care to look that way. Too much drama and deaths in my family have happened over the past few years and it just sucks. I guess it's all part of growing up, and I want to be 5 years old again, without a care in the world except for my books and toys. haha Yeah Right. I wish.

I guess now that I am acknowledging the fact that I need a change, I'm going to do something about it in 2013. With my family I have left and my friends, I will have all the support I need to make the change. I just hope I can stick with it and be happier a year from now. I want to be happy and excited for Christmas for my kids. The deserve a happy momma!!

My New Year's Resolutions

I've been thinking a lot about changing things in my life. SO much depressing and bad things have just totally brought me down this year. It's time to get myself out of this FUNK I'm in.

#1 At least every other month, I want to plan a MNO or girls night with my friends. I need more ME time away from the hubs and kiddos. I love them, but I need my friends to keep me sane lol

#2 I want to get a tattoo this year. I've been thinking about it for a couple years now. I'm ready. I finally know what and where I want it! Now I just need to figure out where and how much!

#3 I want to visit and be around family more. We have a lot of family that lives away from us. I'm hoping to be able to travel more to see them. I want my kids to know them!

#4 Work Out More!!! I've been going about 2x a week, when I can. I want to do more and I want to loose 60 pounds!! 

#5 I feel like I have let depression take over my life. I neglect my chores a lot lol  But I want to start being better about it. It makes me stressed out like CRAZY coming home to my messy house. I do what I have to but clutter has taken over. I'm done.  SO pretty much starting ASAP I'm  making a change. I'm in process of cleaning for Christmas guests, so I'm hoping to keep it up.

#6 I need more date nights with the hubs. At least once a month would be AWESOME. 
Maybe on of those date nights will be getting my tattoo 8o)

#7 Being a SAHM to 2 kids and 2 dogs, I have lost a lot of my patience. I pray daily for God to give me more, and I pray this new year will give me lotts of it!!  I need it!!

It SHOULD be the most wonderful time of the year...

SO much bad has happened this year, that it's my first Christmas with my kids that I actually wish it was already over. Since the kids were born I was ALL about decorating, wrapping gifts and all that fun stuff. But this year, its just different. First and mostly, I miss my Granny. She became an angel this past summer and I truly wish she didn't have to leave us. But God had a plan and it was meant to be. But the selfish part of me wants her to be here with us. It's just hard to deal with at time. We have chose to have a "credit free" Christmas this year. That means, no using credit cards to pay for ANYTHING this year. Oh My. It is HARD. I never really noticed how much I used them till you make that choice not to. It will be worth it in the end though. I just can't wait till they are all gone for good and we can STAY out of debt for good! I was watching the Charlie Brown Christmas with the library classes the other day and realized I feel EXACTLY like Charlie Brown. Lucy made a good point about getting involved, but I have NO idea what I would do to be involved. I'm involved in my kids school but not with anything to do for Christmas. I keep having to remind myself about the REAL REASON FOR CHRISTMAS! I'm ready to get rid of our tree and lights on the house. I'm done with it all. Why can't I just enjoy this season? Why can't I just keep all the bad/negative stuff behind me?? The only thing I know to do is Pray. I need God to help me. He's the only person that can really help me. Its just actually taking the time to Pray before I pass out at night or take time during my crazy busy day to just talk to him about whats going on. WHy is that hard to do? Im too much about getting things done, like NOW. I rush and feel crazy if things don't get done with I feel they need to get done. UGH. Theres so much more stuff going on in my head I cant even get it all out. Man I need to blog more. lol

Hoping for some change

So I've been slacking on my daily mom challenges again. I've read them off my list, but haven't really put them into practice in my life. I really don't know why it's so hard?! I feel overwhelmed most days. And I keep feeling like a complete failure as a mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter.......

I got a book at church at the beginning of Lent, & you guessed it, I'm just now starting it. :/ This is my fav sentence, "There's plenty of Lent left in front of me to work on that kind of transformation in my life." That transformation to me is getting rid of some bad things in my life & letting some new & good things stay & come into my life.
I am SO not a perfect person. I'm not a perfect Catholic. I'm still learning what I believe and what I want in my life. It's hard figuring this out with 2 kids driving me crazy. Even when I have my "mommy time" I still can't figure it out. My mind just RESTS. I go to the park & just enjoy the Quiet. It's a luxury anymore to have some quiet time lol

I pray God intervenes in my life & those of you who read this. I hope we can figure out what we want in our lives & be the person who God wants us to be.

It's the 3rd week of Lent. 2 more weeks :)

Feeling judged sucks...

I never let it bother me until today. I totally forgot to get dishwasher detergent at Walmart while kids were in school so I took them with me. Emma wore her CUTE school uniform jumper today & to add more cuteness she even had the pigtails :) As we were walking through the store, I noticed several people doing the "double look." Like they see her, look away then turn back & stare. And while staring u can totally see disapproval. Really. I wanted to smack one lady bc she actually VOICED her opinion to her husband....'that poor child must go to that CATHOLIC school.' Ummm really??? It's a better school than ANY school in this area. To refrain from voicing my own opinion, we took a detour to the cleaning supplies.
Only in the checkout line was a little old lady who came behind us & said Emma had beautiful eyes. She said, she looked so precious. :) I'm glad she was not judgmental bc it made me feel better. I didn't feel so upset.

Since becoming Catholic myself, I have realized that people judge bc they just don't understand & most of the time they don't want to. They just want to go on with life & never change & never learn anything new. I'm so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone in life & did some learning. It just makes sense. I feel like a better person now, than before. But I will never judge someone for what they believe in again & my kids are goin to learn this too! It's just not worth arguing over. God loves us all & that's all that matters :)

Just feelin crappy

Well my daily mom challenges are not going well. I never did well with not yelling at my kids. I yell at them daily. I even do it when it's nothing to yell at them about! I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I just feel like a CRAPPY mom. Why is it SO hard to not yell at my kids?
It's a BEAUTIFUL day & I just feel like crap. :/

Daily Mom Challenge

Today's challenge is, I will not yell at my kids today. So far so good & the day is half way over! Biggest challenge is after school. They are usually bursting with energy & don't listen to me.....Wish me luck! :)

Success!

I was successful with my mom challenge yesterday!! When we got home from school we changed clothes, went to Nana & Popaws house, rode bikes, played on the tire swing, threw sticks in the creek & followed them, played in sandbox & the kids played in our little pond...

Total FAIL...

I totally failed on my mom challenge yesterday. I stayed on my phone to keep my sanity. Emma didn't mind. She didn't feel great so she just sat on my lap while I explored Pintrest, checked twitter & Facebook & ordered some of Codys bday decor with free shipping! Oh & we also played Angry Birds & Pirate Fleet.
I hate how my phone has become a big part of my life. I can't totally give it up but I need to stop depending on it so much. So I've decided I'm going to spend the day with my kids after school today. No playing on my phone! I will have it for taking cute pics but that's it!! My kids are more important than games & responding to tweets or comments!!!

Mommy Vent lol

So Emma has strep throat. They've been passing it around at school :/ I just really hope Cody doesn't get it. I can only take so much sickness along with all the unorganized mess going on right now.
I always feel like a crappy mom when I see people post, "I love Every moment with my child. I know people say they really enjoy time away from their kids, but I can't imagine wanting any time away from my baby! I cherish every moment to it's fullest."
I'm dead serious, some chik I used to go to school with posted that. Man, thanks for saying I'm an awful parent for wanting date night with my hubs so we can actually ENJOY our meal. I'm just aggravated at people who think being a parent is so easy.....it's not. It can be so emotionally draining at times.
Don't get me wrong, there are A Lot of good times. I do enjoy my kids, at times lol It's just moms need to vent about the bad to remember the good.

Daily Mom Challenge

I've been slacking on my daily mom challeges. I've been workin on not interrupting my kids still tho lol
We are all home today, minus daddy. Emma is sick with strep & Cody just didn't feel like going to school. I was up most of the night with Emma's spiked fever & then she kicked & smacked me the rest of the night.....motherhood is exhausting when your babies are sick.

But back to my mom challenge for the day. Put away your phone & spend that time with your kids.
This is a BIG challenge for me. My phone is my stress relief at times lol It's my door to the outside world. But I do admit, I spend MOST of my days on it. My kids want to spend most of their time on it too. So it's a big challenge today.

Daily Mom Challenge

Ask my kids for their opinion today.

It took me most of the day to do this. I had NO idea what to ask them lol
I decided to ask, do you think I'm a mean mommy? Emma just said she loved me & walked away (haha) & Cody said, you can be mean, but you do have your moments where you are not mean.
I didn't & still don't know how to react lol

Daily Mom Challenge

Today I will not I interrupt my children when they are talking.

I do this more than I realized! It's a real eye opener when you actually catch yourself cutting them off. Ugh....hope I'm not alone on this!

Life

I keep telling myself I'm going to blog but I never stay with it. But here's another go at it.
It's that time of year for Lent. It seems like it just snuck up on me this year. I had only a couple days to think about what I wanted to go without this year. Last year I did pop. I was hard bc I am a big pop drinker :/ ESP cherry coke! So I can at least keep my 7up, I decided to go with fasting cherry pop. Since Wednesday though we've been drinking water. I need to go grocery shopping lol

I recently started following a mommy blogger on twitter who makes me feel like I am not alone in feeling like a bad mom. I beat myself up a lot bc I feel like I can be so mean to my kids when I get frustrated. And most "friends" on Facebook post all good things about them & there kiddos.....just makes me feel like crap sometimes :/ But Scary Mommy has helped me feel not alone lol
I'm tired of not feeling "good enough" for people. Loosing my friend Joe has opened my eyes to A LOT of things. I miss him. I keep saying "i wish...." & I don't want to do that with anyone else. I've already lost too many friends & I don't want to wish I told anyone something or spent more time with them.